It's a rainy, gloomy day today.. the kind of rainy that tells you to stay in bed 5 minutes longer, and makes water and mud splash onto the windows. The kind of rainy that's perfect for books and sweaters and cups of coffee. I opened my eyes this morning and stared at the top of my bunk bed, listening to the pounding of the rain outside my window. It's the kind of rain that floods the yard and makes all things muddy. It's the kind of rainy that's good for staying home and snuggling babies under fuzzy blankets.
We're cuddled on the couch- her and I. Her head rests on my chest and my arms wrap around her.. hearing each raspy breath she takes, feeling the slight rise and fall of her shoulders. And looking at this little life, I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to beat something. I want to run away. I want to find the beauty.
There's an emptiness, an aching. Because lately it seems every time I open my Bible, God just gets farther and farther away. These days, the Word of God makes about as much sense to me as AP Calculus. I stare at the words on the page, longing for something to connect and hit me hard.. and there's nothing. Where is God? Because I'm desperate, so desperate. And He hasn't been near in what seems like ages. All that I am is dry bones without the Lord; a weary, broken, desert soul.
I want to take this baby and run… to a place where sickness doesn't exist and there's a stillness within my soul and God is always near to us. The rain beats the ground outside and the yelling children grow louder still. I'm a jumbled mess of thoughts, and God keeps slipping farther and farther.
Looking at that bald head and cold feet, I know I should pray, I need to pray. But the words won't come. What does one pray for in a situation like this? I don't even know where to start. But I know He hears my heart, so I trust in a Spirit who intercedes for me.
A good Father who gives only good gifts… if every part of my life is a gift from Him, then every part of my life can be made good by Him. He makes beauty rise from the ashes. He can take even this and make it good. And so I trust in a God I cannot hear, cannot see, and currently cannot sense His presence near me.
Because I've learned and am still learning this. I know it and believe it: that even if He doesn't do what we will, His will is still right and His heart is still good. Even if He doesn't, He does give enough of Himself. Even if He doesn't, He does still love us. Even if He doesn't, He is still forever worthy. Even when He doesn't seem near, He is closer than a breath.
The rain pours, and we sit there snuggled. A broken pair we are- this girl with the broken heart and me with the broken spirit. I hum the words to my favorite song, I hum them loud. And we wait, for His peace.
Feel the presence of God upon the waters
Hear the voice of the Lord within the thunder that rolls
King of the fight, the Lord is mighty
The Lord can calm the troubled soul.
Peace when trouble blows
Jehovah see, Jehovah knows
He is my peace when sorrow nears
Jehovah sees, Jehovah hears.
Like the breath I need to live
Jehovah takes, Jehovah gives
He is my peace
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