sweet longing

i've put off writing a blogpost because -if I'm keeping it real- I haven't wanted to process life lately. And writing a blogpost, it usually requires a stilled heart and processing life. The reality is that I'm overwhelmed with tiredness, and loneliness, and worry, and doubt. And when I am alone with just me and my thoughts, it results in a bit of a freak out-mental breakdown. So I've stayed busy- snuggling babies and running errands in town and cooking dinner and taking kids for walks to Kimaka to buy fresh pineapple for dinner. 

But now here I am.. alone in the aunties room, sitting in my top bunk, wearing running shorts and a tank top and fuzzy socks, pouring sweat, and drinking hot chocolate [when she misses cold weather, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do]. 

my soul, it's a restless soul. stirring deep within me for something more. longing for something that is not of this world.

before i left for uganda this September, I used to think it was Uganda I was longing for… and Uganda that would fill that deep longing and Uganda that would put my restless soul at peace and Uganda that would satisfy my heart. And then I got to Uganda -and it was everything I remembered and expected- but the restless spirit inside wasn't put at peace, rather it became even more agitated. 

i'm coming to surrender to the reality that my heart, it will always be longing. My spirit will forever be a tad bit restless with these days I live here on this earth. I will never find the place on this globe where I feel I belong- whether Africa or America or any other country. Because my heart wasn't meant to call this earth home.

I spent many days last year longing to 'just be back in Uganda already'. And now I've spent the past [almost] week overwhelmed with homesickness, counting down the weeks until I am back in Chicago, dreaming of seeing the faces of people I love so dearly. I think of school, of babysitting, of other trips to other countries. I think of 20 years from now. I think of marriage and kids and being settled in life. And I think I'm just being slightly obsessed with the future, and i think I'm not trusting Him with the now and living in the present. And I pray it over and I surrender my future, and still i'm restless.

It's when this longing gets to its greatest point that she tells me to read 2 Corinthians. And it's in reading those verses that it comes together: my restlessness, my thoughts of the future, my wanting Uganda and wanting America… those aren't the things I'm really longing for. What I'm longing for, what we're all longing for, [when you dig to the root of it] is life before the fall, life in the garden, life spent walking hand-in-hand with the Lord. What I'm longing for, it's not attainable. Not here on this earth, not now. But I know that one day it will be [and oh, what a glorious day that will be]. And until that day comes, we live with the Spirit and we live to please Him.

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, a guaranteeing of what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body, we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, and not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it." [2 Corinthains 5:1-9]

It's an overwhelming thought, sometimes a bit depressing… to think that wherever you call home will never completely feel that way. But in the long run, I know I wouldn't have it any other way. Because I am not made of this world, and I am not made for this world. I fear feeling at home in this world. Because the minute I start feeling at home here is the minute I lose my eternal perspective, it's the minute I forget that there's more waiting for us beyond this life we see with our eyes right now. And all the beautiful moments, the happiest of times, they don't compare to what He has in store.

"I need an eternal perspective." I tell it to her on the walk to town, thankful for sweet friendship, "Because when I have an eternal perspective on life, I want to be restless. That feeling of longing, it keeps me remembering this life isn't all there is. It reminds me I was intended to live in a different world."