great is Thy faithfulness

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all Your works, and consider all Your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?"
-Psalm 77:11-13

I am going back to Africa. I am finally typing the sentence my fingers have longed to type since July, the sentence I never thought I'd ever write or speak. But it is official, and it is real: I am going back to Uganda.

It would be impossible to explain the many thoughts and emotions that play through my head and my heart.  I am oh-so excited. I am oh-so scared. I am oh-so ready to pack a bag and board a plane. I am oh-so heartbroken when I think of saying goodbye to Chicago and my beloved family for 8 months. I am completely overwhelmed.

The process of getting to this place of returning to Uganda has not been easy by any means at all. My mind replays the countless nights of crying out to the Lord, "What is Your will?" The rejection, the searching, the surrender. So many thoughts were worked through, so many places applied to, so much surrender had (and still has) to be done. This journey has not been easy, and this journey has only just begun.

Sara and I have been praying about going back to Uganda since August. And oh, to tell you all He has brought us through! It would take many a blogpost. We considered so many options, we applied to so many places, we prayed over so many things. It got to a point where we had to stop. In the midst of trying to get back to Uganda, I had forgotten who was really in control. I had foolishly believed it all depended on me, when really I had no control whatsoever.

I have been reminded of this again and again: I can accomplish nothing. Each moment, each breath, I have to depend on Him. There is no other way. And it seems that, as soon as I lose that mentality and focus, He does something to bring me back to that place of dependency.

Going back to Uganda for 8 months. The commitment I have just made feels dauntingly and scarily and overwhelmingly huge. Honestly, I am freaked out. Leaving behind Chicago, surrendering my family, caring for children with disabilities, living in a completely different culture.. for 8 months. How in the world am I going to do this? And thinking about it now, I have to laugh. Because I have been reminded that I'm not doing any of it, He is.

When I stand in the airport next fall, saying the most heartbreaking goodbye of my life, He will be there. When I worriedly begin to think of home and what may be happening without me, He will be there. When I serve day after day at Ekisa, when I am mentally and physically tired, when I don't know what to do, He will be there. When I learn how to live in Uganda and shop in the market and live in a culture so new to me, He will be there. He will always, always be there.

I look at all that God has brought me through-- just in this process of returning to Uganda, and also within the past year of my life. And I stand amazed. "Look at all He has done!" my soul screams at me, "How can you doubt Him now? How could you forget what He has brought you through, and all He has promised you? How can you worry that He doesn't know best?"

All I have needed His hand has provided. He has worked all things in His perfect timing for His perfect will, always. He has given me, His child, what is best for my life. Great, oh-so great, is His faithfulness. When I look at my past, when I remember and reflect on what He has done, how can I not rest assured that He who has been so faithful before, will be again?

I stand about to embark on this journey, not knowing what may lay ahead. And I hear Him say, "All you have needed, My hands have provided. Child of mine, do not doubt Me now." It is still scary, it is still hard, it is still unknown. But all I have to do is glance behind me, seeing the work of His hand, and this I know: He has taken care of me up to this point, and He's not going to stop now.